Do - or Do Not...Try, Try Again? by Robin Janney

Wait - I thought only Sith believed in absolutes?!?!

Not the most catchy of titles I guess, so it may change. We'll see.

I put off posting because I was hoping to post how I had passed my CDL road test and would be starting my training next week. Sadly, I didn't pass.

Again.

This is failure number four. I keep making different mistakes, so there's that much I guess. It's not like I'm not learning from them. And I no longer know if the failings are justified or if the examiner is being too picky like my teacher claim. Even my husband has suggested that the examiner is just looking for a reason to fail me because of my gender. I mean, how can I impede traffic on a double lane when my tractor is only just breaking the white line?

Because that's what failed me this time. I was demonstrating the emergency stop and failed to put my shifting splitter down so that when I tried moving again, my gear was too high and I stalled my rig. And because that front corner had begun to breach the lane, I was "impeding traffic" which is an automatic failure. Even though I was reentering a double lane highway, and there was nothing approaching in my lane anyway - otherwise I wouldn't have tried moving) but...I did neglect to double-check my splitter, so ... Mr. Too-Picky or not, it's still my own fault right?

I am really struggling with this. There are so many people who have faith in me, whether it is the teachers who've ridden with me (I've NEVER stalled the rig before...) or my own husband who's waiting for me to pass so I can join him in driving. I'm terrified they're going to lose faith in me.

Mostly because I'm losing faith in myself. Even though I know I can safely drive a rig. I mean, I've done it so many times. For whatever reason, I can't seem to stop messing up during the exam. And I've even tried building a rapport with this examiner - who's tested me three different times now - in hopes that I can stop being nervous with him. I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy. He just wields the pen that determines my job and financial future - so, yeah, no pressure.

Maybe I need to wear my tiara to my next test
to channel my inner goddess? Fans of Lore Olympus
will understand that context best ;)

I know this mood will pass, that I'll dust myself off and try again. No matter what Yoda says - there has to be room for failure when you're learning new things, because like Nick said when he was still a teacher at the school, you learn from your failures. So I'm sitting here at my laptop, the third installment of my series open and ready to be worked on, listening to Imagine Dragons because they always sheer me up. Maybe eating some crappy sugar free chocolate. Thinking about making pot roast.

I haven't heard from the school today, so I'm going to guess they weren't able to squeeze me into the test schedule tomorrow. I knew it would take the planets aligning just right for that to happen, so I'm not too surprised. There's probably more cons than pros about that, I mean every extra day I'm not behind the wheel practicing the skills I've learned allows those skills to get rusty. Which increases my chance of failing once again.

How many failures can my spirit take? I'm already thinking about asking Mr. Janney how upset he'd be if I just call it quits. I'm not going to quit, but the thought is there. What happens if I fail two more times? Do I get another extension for my permit and keep on trying? Do I accept defeat and just ride along as a passenger with him once he's released from training? There are other things I could do to earn money while riding along.

But - for all the people I know who have faith in me, I know there are those who don't think I can do this. And that has always been a catalyst for me. I have to prove them wrong. I've done it at the last three jobs I've worked, and even in the relationship that's lasted over ten years now.

So, as I said, today's mood will pass and I know I'll keep tying. The last I talked with Mr. Janney, he and his trainer were waiting on a load to be finished somewhere outside of Chicago so they could take it to Columbus, Ohio. So far, he has been in Nebraska, Texas, Mississippi, and Wisconsin. And all the states in between! He says they mostly take toll roads, which makes sense.

Alrighty then. I'll wrap up this pity party and start getting back on track. I'll leave you with this delightful Imagine Dragons video:

The Road Goes Ever On and On by Robin Janney

The road goes ever on and on...

And sometimes there's road construction, detours, and unexplained delays!

Well, the good news first! Mr. Janney has successfully passed his CDL road test. The bad news to that is: I didn't and I have to start the process over! He gets to "Pass Go and collect $200" and I don't! Such is life, I guess.

I am disappointed in myself for failing, because I know this is something I can do. All my instructors at school agree with me. Some of it has been nerves, and some of this last failure is because I was just out of practice driving the big rig. I wasn't able to afford a refresher drive before this last test. Even though I drove part of the way down to the test sight, it just wasn't enough. But part of the reason why we fail is so we can learn from our mistakes.

But I am tickled pink that Mr. Janney has passed! I'm proud of him. This was his idea in the first place, something we'd talked about on and off for a while. We tried a year ago to apply to a truck driving school, but it didn't work out. By then the die was cast because he'd already quit his job. So we fell to Plan B. We'd continue as is until my surgeries were out of the way and try again. One thing led to another which in turn led us to the school we attended together and a job together.

Obviously, we won't be starting at the same time. But we were both talking with the recruiter last night and it won't be a problem. Mr. Janney will be through his training and running solo until I can join him, simple as that. It's not what we had planned, not even for Plan B...but sometimes in life you have to go through the entire alphabet to find what works! You just have to keep trying and not give up.

Easier said than done sometimes, I know. You know I know.

I'm a little anxious, but then I'd have been that way even if I'd passed and we were starting at the same time! I'll just use the late start to my part of the adventure to wind up my editing and reworking of my first two novels and continue to work book three. I know it's been forever for my fans, but it was the decision to make these changes which unlocked my writer's block and enabled me to work on book three again.

Though I can't see what's beyond the curve,
 I know the best thing is to keep on going.

As anxious as I am, I'm also excited. Because even though it's just one of us who's passed, we're still in this together. We're one step closer than we were before. I will take you all on this life's trip as much as possible. It's what I do, and why I have no problem posting about my failure and down times online. You get the good, the bad and everything in-between when I write here. Any silences are when I'm trying to process the bad and the down times...the only thing I can do. I hope you'll all stay with me on this journey.

Until next time, much love.

Grinding Less Gears - by Robin Janney

Happy Thursday everyone!

One of my hangups what I first drove the big rig on the road was an overdose of anxiety/worry. We've all seen pictures of accidents with tractors and trailers. I know up close what can result because three of my brothers have had accidents with their rigs. So I've been a little paranoid about it. But then I happened across this tweet from Donnie Wahlberg (AKA Danny Reagan on Blue Bloods)

worrying?

there is nothing to worry about.

worries are fearful thoughts of the past or future. neither of which exist in the present moment.

take a beat. take a breath.

then, take a moment to consider all you have to be grateful for in this moment.

you got this. all is well.

— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) December 5, 2018

I'm not going to quibble on the differences between anxiety and worry. Because this tweet helped me realize that as long as I'm focusing on the moment while I'm driving the tractor and trailer, then I'm being the safest and that goes a long way!! I can't control other drivers, just myself and as long as I'm controlling my rig, then I have a better chance of being able to react safely to just about anything.

Like I told Mr. Janney the other day - "I've got my Wonder Woman panties on, so I've got this!" I have the heart and spirit of an Amazon Warrior, just not the body! Aside from Avenger's Endgame, the next Wonder Woman movie is probably my most anticipated upcoming movie that just cannot get here fast enough!

Our skills/road test is next Tuesday, and nerves aside I think Mr. Janney and I will do just fine. We have three more 'practices' before then, two on the road and one more for the range to practice our maneuvers.

Until next time - much love and be safe!

Grinding Gears by Robin Janney

It's been a while. I feel like I've been grinding gears...I'll begin a blog post, have to save it to walk away and do something else - and then never get back to finishing it! Like this one - I don't remember when I started it...

But I'm finishing it today.

In the middle of November, Mr. Janney and I started Truck Driving School. We had two weeks of intense classroom study - intense because they're trying to shove all this information into us in a short amount of time. Their main goal is to help us pass the road test, so it's really only scratching the surface of everything we'll need to learn. Whichever company we end up driving for will have a 4-6 week training/orientation period to train us in their preferred method for things like paperwork.

what my days off have looked like...

We've both had 4 out of 11 'drives'...Mostly in their range - which is a parking lot that could stand to be a hair bigger when there are two drivers in there each trying to learn the backing maneuvers. Backing up was always my biggest weakness when I was a school bus driver years ago, and it is still my biggest weakness. I can almost hear my old boss saying 'if you have to back up, don't do it - but if you have to, picture me in the mirror scowling at you...'

It is a thousand times different in a combination vehicle because the far end of the trailer goes the opposite direction of your steering wheel. I haven't been able to wrap my head around it completely yet, but each time in the practice yard it gets a little easier. Back at that part tomorrow morning bright and early.

Last night we 'practiced' out on real roads. As my brother said on Facebook, once you're on the road, it isn't practice anymore - it's for real. The first part of the night was 'easy' enough...they have some roads that don't get a lot of travel that form a loop and they kept us on that for about an hour, though they had us switch direction in the middle of that. Then 'well, do you want to get out of here and try some real roads?'

Sure. why not?

I'm not sure exactly where I was, just that I was in Binghamton NY somewhere. The streets seemed sooooo tiny and cramped! The turns even more so. There was one time, I slid into the 'straight' lane...to have people slide into the 'left turn only' lane to pass me!!! I realize the speed limit was 30mph, but with all the traffic lights, there's no way anyone should be doing that speed through that section. Oh well, I was doing as I was supposed to and they were the ones breaking the law and putting our lives in danger.

I don't have a plan yet for how to handle my writing and blogging and the like when I'm on the road as a professional driver. It's going to be something I'm going to have to make up as I go and I hope all my fans will be patient with me as I figure things out. You've all waited so long for a new book, but I promise you that it will be worth the wait.

Going to end now so I can run through the things I need to remember for the pre-trip inspection.

Until next time, much love!