Who is the Farmer's Daughter, pt 2 by Robin Janney

One thing I grazed over in my last post is how I changed the name of the series from The Country Music series...but not the book titles. Because as I explained, the storylines aren't the same.

In my novel, the plot revolves around a farmer's daughter and what amounts to an identity crisis. While her love interest Craig is struggling with his sexual identity, Angela Carman is struggling with her identity as a person. She starts out confident enough, knowing exactly who she is...even though she struggles to meet others expectations of her...hence the struggle.

When Angela was four, she almost choked to death on a piece of hot dog her father hadn't cut up enough and had a near-death experience. Complete with Jesus and what looked like heaven to her four-year-old mind.

That vision never left her. Not even during the years which she ran wild after the death of her older brother. Anger and despair became constant companions, and she acted out accordingly. She was too young for what she witnessed and didn't know how to get the help she needed in order to process it. I mean, there is no good age to witness someone being run over by a car.

But during the summer of her seventeenth year, she grew tired of her own behavior. In large part due to the local vet allowing her to help take care of the animals kept at the vet clinic, and the tutelage of her karate instructor who often allowed Angela to take her anger out with her on the mat. Even though she didn't feel like she really needed to, Angela wanted to make changes so she recommitted her life to Christ even though as she tells Craig - I recommitted my life to Christ. It didn’t fix everything, didn’t fix anything really. I never really felt I had strayed from Him, but I wanted to remind myself I guess. My vision from when I was four never went away. I started changing things, dressing more conservatively, not swearing, not dating bad boys. It didn’t change what a lot of people thought of me. Even my own sister thinks I’m a slut, my mom too. But as I was trying to be different, trying to make my mom happy.

Angela was never able to see her parents love for her, specifically her mother's, because she knew she wasn't their biological child. She never confronted them about it, otherwise, she would have learned it was a legal adoption and not the theft she thought it was. She craved their love and approval.

By novel's end, Angela no longer knows who she is. I'm not going to spoil it for you, aside from saying she decides to identify with the farmer who raised her, who eased her panic attacks even if he was injured in the process, who fished her out of the pond when she tried killing herself.

The romantic love story between Craig and Angela is not the only love story I'm telling. I myself will never know what it is to love a child of my own, but as a daughter myself, I know the struggle between parent and child is real. I know what it is like to wonder if I am loved and accepted for who I am, even if that person isn't what they necessarily had in mind.

I'll be honest, fear of my mother's disapproval over my writing has always been my biggest hangup and depression aside, has probably been the biggest cause of the writer's block I've struggled with between books 2 and 3. I need to go someplace dark in my novels, and I can't if I'm afraid my mom is going to scold me for using the F-bomb.

Which, shows up a few more times in The Farmer's Daughter than what it had previously. Because it's the appropriate word for the character to use at the time.

I love my Mom, but she may not want to read any of my books after today because I'm writing the story as it needs to be written. Life is not pretty. People swear, people hate, people do terrible things to each other regardless of how they feel about each other...and sometimes recovery from said terrible things isn't pretty.

I may  be writing a romantic fantasy to illustrate the healing power of love, but I am by no means writing a fairy tale.

Much love to all. 

"It's Just Like Riding a Bike" - by Robin Janney

They say that once you learn how to ride a bicycle, you never forget how to.

They are not kidding!

The bike.

My husband loves me just as I am, my fat doesn't phase him one bit.  But he would like to see me weight less, to be healthier.  Himself as well since he's gained weight since we've been together, even though his fat doesn't phase me one bit either.  So he's always trying to come up with ways for us to exercise together.

For some reason, he doesn't like just going for a walk. Even though walking has always worked for me in the past.   I walked away weight to fit into a prom dress.  In my twenties I walked off almost 40+ pounds - that I ended up putting back on because I stopped walking.  Part of the problem is that I don't walk fast enough for him to break a sweat.  I've told him to walk on ahead at his own pace, but nooooooo, he wants to stay with me. So, he's been coming up with different activities - - that often end up pushing me outside my comfort zone and stressing me out.

Last summer, it was swimming.  I never learned how to swim as a child.  And because one of the first times I stepped into a pool as a teen was an unpleasant experience, I was terrified of the water.  Didn't like it over my head, didn't like it in my ears (still don't), and was just afraid of drowning. But Mr. Janney knew how to swim and did his best to teach me.  It was stressful for me, for all the reasons I already listed and because sometimes I felt like he was trying to rush me. Still, I kept at it.  Even one of the lifeguards at the pool commented on how well I was progressing.  I'm far from being an experienced swimmer, but I'm no longer afraid of drowning - or having my car end up in a lake and not knowing how to swim to the top (thank you Mythbusters!).

Of course, after the warm weather was over and I couldn't swim, I put some weight back on. I've been holding steady where I'm at though since Christmas, so there's that much at least.

So this year's project, even though I want to get back to swimming, is apparently bike riding.

Until Sunday, the last time I was on a bicycle...was over twenty years ago. Over twenty-five even.  I seriously don't even remember the last time. I remember the bike ramp incident when I was somewhere between seven and ten - the most common age mentioned as I try to figure out how old I was is eight.  My twin cousins built a bike ramp in our driveway one summer when they were visiting; they are only a few years older than I am. I think my brother Cliff and I were the only two to go over it.  I landed my jump, but I came down hard and swore up and down I'd hurt my genitals.  So I ran inside to make sure I wasn't bleeding. My brother apparently did not land his very well, because as I was coming out of the bathroom, Cliff was running inside with blood hanging out of his nose.  By the time our mother got out to investigate, the ramp was long gone!

Needless to say, I've been a little intimidated at the very thought of getting back on a bike.  But, I don't want to disappoint my husband. In the weeks leading up to this, whenever I've expressed my fears, he's told me "I have faith in you."  I mean, what is there to say to that?  He said the same thing when I was trying to learn how to swim, and I was able to do that.

The training grounds...

So while Mr. Janney and his father were working on a flag pole to put up in the yard, I was down below in the lower part of my in-laws driveway facing my fears. I was so anxious about this, I'd actually had a dream a few nights before where I just hopped on the bike and took off.  Which is honestly pretty much how it happened in real life - - I hopped on the bike pictured further above and took off.  I didn't ride far, just out into the road and down to the other driveway which you can't see in the photo.  I hopped off to turn around, hopped back on...and almost didn't make the turn and almost rode right into the woods on the other side of the road.  But I managed to get straightened out and back into the driveway.  And apparently was going too fast when I tried stopping and hopping off again, because I went face first into the driveway...I jokingly say that I kissed Mother Earth! Thankfully the only thing scraped up is the knee I landed on, and my hands a little bit.

I didn't let that stop me though.  After I finished telling my hubby that I was alright (he didn't see the fall, just me sitting in the dirt) I hopped back up and tried it again.  Much better the second time. The third time I made it down to the nearest neighbors, still not far away, and back again.  I can't even begin to describe to you the different feelings I had going through me as I soared.  Joy and fear held hands.  It was exhilarating, it was fun, it scared the crap out of me.

So I took a break to help with the flag pole.  Meaning I tried to take pictures for the most part.  But they all flubbed because my fat fingers got in the way.  The picture to the left is seriously the best picture I got.  I know Mr Janney will be happy that I didn't get his face in there.  The picture below is after they got the bell hung and the flag hoisted.

And let me tell you, when they were hanging the bell, all I could think was 'well, that doesn't look safe.' They put the bell in the bucket of the tractor you see, as well as my husband!  Then my father-in-law raised the bucket, bell and husband.  I did help during this part - I got to hold the rope attached to the bell so that it wouldn't get in Mr. Janney's way when he stood and lifted the bell into place.

I'm pretty sure we all took turns ringing the bell once it was all said and done.  I like the picture to the right; that little dot by the bell is the moon.  I wish it showed better, but my fingers weren't in the picture so that's a plus!

After this, Mr. Janney got his bike out and we both went for a little ride.  I tried making it as far as the neighbor who has the pond we like to go swimming in, but my legs would not push me up the little hill. So I told hubby I had to stop and get off...and almost face-planted myself again.  I managed to get myself flipped in time, thankfully there was no traffic as I was laying in the middle of the road. What's even worse, my hubby got off and tried helping me up - only my legs locked and I couldn't stand.  I was so embarrassed even though it was just him there.  He gave me another minute to stretch my legs out, still in the middle of this not-country-enough road, and this time he was able to get me to my feet.  My legs were so shaky from the exertion that I walked my bike back part of the way.  But once again, I didn't let the falling stop me - I got back on and rode the rest of the way back.

I thought I was done for the day after that, but my Mr. Janney decided to make a few alterations to the bike to see if it would be easier for me.  So of course I was obligated to give it another shot after he was done making his changes.  And I don't know what all he did, but it was more comfortable after that.

It was a fun day, and even though bike riding still scares me, I know that the fear will not stop me.

Although I really do think I'll be buying some knee pads and a helmet in the near future!

Safety first!

So dear readers: What fears have you faced recently?

Facing Our Fears by Robin Janney

Jaclyn loves going along on rides with us!

Talk about a tough act to follow!  After reading C.P.'s post from last week, I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how I could even begin to match her excellent post!  She and I have vastly different lives and sometimes I feel so booooring! I work a demanding full time job, and don't even have children so I can't share any anecdotes of that nature.  I have a husband and a dog.  Granted, Jaclyn's a cute dog...and a perpetual toddler in many ways.

As I thought about it, C.P.'s delightful post was about a common motherly fear of lettering the first child leave the nest.  While it is something I can't identify with, I have my own fears.

One I do share with my writing cohort and that is neither one of us is fond of public speaking.  Give me a script and ask me to act out a character, and I am all for it!  I love being in plays or skits, though I haven't been for years.  Oddly enough for a woman of my size, I once belonged to a church dance group.  But ask me to be myself in front of people, regardless of whether I know them or not, and my heart starts doing double time!  In fact, in tenth grade I was so afraid of getting up in front of my classmates that I reused to give a mandatory speech for English class.  If I didn't do it, I wouldn't pass the tenth grade.  In the end, I was allowed to give it to just the English teacher in the principal's office on the last day of school.  It was enough to allow that wall to begin to come down; in fact, for eleventh grade not only did I give the speech for that year with no problem, but managed to be so persuading about mental abuse being a legitimate form of abuse that I was called into the school's Guidance Office to make sure I was okay!!

Stronger together!

Back on the 5th, when C.P. and I gave our presentation at the library, I had the stray thought that my tenth grade teacher would have been so proud of me.  She is no longer with us, so if those who have passed on into another life are truly aware of current events, it may well be that she is. And no doubt, she delights in the irony of it.  She was a great lover of irony in storytelling.

She may have despaired over my actual execution of my side of the presentation, but she would have been proud nonetheless.

There is strength in numbers, and together C.P. and I pulled it off.  There was a decent crowd that day, not too many and not too few.  More chairs were filled than empty.  We fielded some good questions afterward, which was it's own satisfaction.  It's always nice to know that people are genuinely interested in what you're talking about.  Not like those days back in school when not only were we required to give speeches, but we were also required to listen to the speeches of our classmates.  There were even a few 'after' questions, when the time was up and the people began to disperse except for the few that wanted to talk to us one on one.  I can only hope we were able to clear up the one gentleman's belief that Kindle Direct Publishing charges us for our self-publication!

Over on my own blog, I touched on one of my other fears.  Last summer, in my first attempt to operate one of my in-laws four wheelers, I managed to run myself over with the machine.  No, really, I did.  I took a turn too sharp and hit a pile of logs hidden in the high grass of their field.  It threw me off balance, and dummy me put a foot on the ground in a futile attempt steady the machine.  Not my brightest moment.  I ended up falling off the machine, with my leg getting tangles up with the foot rest and the back tire ran my ankle over.  I did one smart thing though, I got back on the machine and drove it back down to the trailer so that I could get a better idea at my injuries.  Largely just bruised, although the side of my leg was sorely scraped by the foot rest.  I am truly lucky I didn't snap my neck when I fell.

All set to ride...

For the rest of the summer, I only rode behind Mr. Janney when we went out for rides.  But fears are meant to be faced.  This past Saturday was a delightful day here in NE PA.  The weather was beautiful, as it is today on Sunday as I begin this post.  Sunshiny and warm.  Neither Mr. Janney or I wanted to stay indoors and we spent most of the day outside up to his parents.  And yes, once again I got back on the beast that had dumped me and I rode it around.

And had a blast!  I zipped up and down the field you see behind me in the picture I've shared.  Well, ten miles per hour may not seem like much in a car, but on a four wheeler it was enough for me!  Sometimes I did reach as high as fifteen and twenty.  I followed my husband as he broke me into easy forest trails. The end goal of all this is to get me comfortable enough on the machines so that I can go on the mountain trails with him.  I doubt I will ever be as bold as he is; the times that I've ridden double with him in the past, he's taken some pretty harrowing trails.

Thankfully, he was smart enough to keep it easy on Saturday.  I trusted him to remember that I was a newb and he did.  And then his parents came home and his father joined us in our fun.  And my sense of adventure, which is tentative at best, was put to the test.  Father Janney wanted to know if his son had taken me on any of the mountain trails yet.  The answer was no, not solo. We'd gone up early riding double, but even then we hadn't gone all the way up.  So it was that Father Janney talked me into taking on the mountain.  Being the beginner, I was placed in the middle.  He would lead and my husband would follow behind.  All I had to do was follow his tracks.

Easier said than done!

Especially when the trail we were on was rocky in places!

But I did it!!

It may not seem like much to some, but for this country raised girl who wasn't raised with any kind of ATV's, it was a proud moment.  And let me tell you, going UP the mountain was far easier than coming back DOWN!  Some part of the trail were steep, and the angle was a bit intimidating. I can't help being afraid, I will almost always be afraid of height's...but I can decide how I'm going to handle that fear.  It won't rule my life.  It won't stop me from having fun and learning new things!

Just waiting for all this to turn green!!

Part of me regrets not taking my phone along with me on my rides, so that I could have captured some impressive scenery.  We saw at least two deer on our first trail, and when we were out with Father Janney we saw a grouse in the brush.  And the view from that high up, without leaves on the trees...wow, just wow.  The pic that I've posted is a portion of their lower fields, the easiest part of the rides.  But the other part of me loved being free from my phone for the afternoon.  Indeed, I barely went on Facebook at all yesterday, even before we arrived at his parents.  And it was wonderful!!  Maybe next time I'll take the camera along and see if I can't capture some of that awe inspiring serenity.  Maybe...  ;)


What about you, dear readers?  What fears have you overcome?  What fears do you still battle?