Stuck in Neutral by Robin Janney

I feel stuck in neutral.

Unable to move forward

Pressing down on the gas pedal does no good...

And why should it? I'm running on empty.

I am draped in darkness.

Wrapped in blinding light.

Feeling my way blindly either way.

I feel shrouded in a cloud.

A cold, damp cloud. A heavy, humid cloud.

Pressed to the ground, unable to breathe.

Though I am surrounded by beauty

My heart feels withered, dry and brittle

Comforted by nothing.

Though I am surrounded by love,

Friends and Family and Man's best friend,

I feel bereft of love. Empty and hollow.

Though I wonder how I can feel anything at all, numb as I am.

Apathy and anger coexist, though I do not know how.

Tomorrow brings another day, bright with hope and possibilities,

But already I want to sleep it away.

Hurry Up and Wait - by Robin Janney

It doesn't matter what job I've work at, "Hurry up and wait..." has been a recurring theme.

Rush to meet the deadline of one kind or another, only to stand around waiting for the other shoe to drop - for the last page of the newspaper to arrive, for the cow line to get moving again, for the rush order cabinet door to be made and put through the final process of sanding. And now, we 'rush' to get the deliveries made on time all week while I try to learn the ins and outs of real life trucking, only to find myself twiddling my thumbs on the weekends.

Hela vs the Valkyries needs to be a movie of its own...

You'd think I'd welcome this "free time". I could use it to write or read. Work on either Bigger than the Beetles, the third book in my series, or on a blog post. Even blog ahead if I was smart. Instead, I sit here at my laptop binge watching old episodes of Deep Space 9. Okay, I also watched Ant-Man and the Wasp as well as Thor Ragnarok (the best Thor movie and in the top 5 for the Marvel movies in general in my opinion). Right now I have A Solo Story lined up to watch next, once I'm done cooking. But then I'll go back to Deep Space 9...although the more I watch the Harry Potter movie on the tv, the more I'm tempted to just keep watching that! It's early yet and I won't be going back to work until sometime tomorrow, so maybe I'll manage all of it!

I'm struggling with depression this weekend, with a smattering of anxiety. Some of it stems from the bit of the squabble I had with my trainer shortly before week's end. Some of it stems from being in a strange place all by myself. Granted, I'm in the same nice hotel I was last weekend, so it's not as strange as it was. I managed to go to Walmart today without panicking, and that's always a plus. I have 232 training hours left before I can join my husband and we can bring our dog along, thus reducing my anxiety and depression, and it seems unbearably long at this moment.

missing my girl :(

I did put in a call to the company's Student department, and we're going to see if we can fix the schism between me and my trainer. There was so little communication between she and I on Friday, that I don't know whether it can be fixed. It all boils down to poor communication in the first place. We shall see.

Just one more hiccup in this journey we call life. I know that I'll get through this and come out for the better. No doubt I'll use it for the characters in my stories. I just need to get through the worse part of this momentary bout the blues before I can channel it into their angst. I hate this part of my depression - I can never write when I'm in this certain spot. Pisses me off because writing makes me happy. I've never understood this quirk.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day, whether you're celebrating Easter or Passover or neither.

Waiting on the Weather by Robin Janney

That blue dot is me! lol

Remember those days in our youth when snow days were fun? We didn't have to get up early, or if we did we got to go back to bed. Either way, we didn't have to go to school and we got to play in knee deep snow. (we have pictures of me as a young teen with snow above my knees - somewhere)

It's not so much fun when you're an adult and your road tests depends on the weather. As of right now my next retest is scheduled for 11 tomorrow morning...and there is a wintry storm beginning even as I type this. I've emailed briefly with the school's directer and he's told me all the variables that he's taking into consideration regarding tomorrow's test. Right now, it's a waiting game.

Judging from the radar and what they're predicting, I think the odds of my test being rescheduled are on the high side. On one hand, I want us all to be safe - and if DOT shuts the roads down or imposes a Commercial Vehicle ban it'll be out of our hands anyway. On the other hand, I had a pretty good road drive yesterday with more good shifts and turns than bad. AND I'm still overflowing with confidence because of my solo road trip to Michigan and back again.

Mr. Janney had a few days off because his trainer did, and because the trainer lives in Michigan and is taking his days off there, that's where hubby's days off are. Over 500 miles one way and I did it all by myself.

I know that might sound strange from someone who is working on getting her CDL and becoming an over the road trucker. No doubt some of my troubles passing my road test stems from a lack of self confidence. I've always had a lack of confidence in myself, and this trip was a definite boost in that area. I was somewhat familiar with the first leg of the journey as it's the same way we took to visit my cousins in Indiana a few years ago. And 86 through NY is almost desolate for large stretches of the highway. It got interesting when the highways took me through Cleveland, Toledo, and Detroit. I just turned my music off so I could concentrate on the traffic and road signs, which my map GPS usually warned me about with enough advanced warning to move to the left or the right.

Which is when I got an idea on how to overcome my nerves with the road test examiner. I decided I was just going to pretend he's my GPS. I talk to her all the time traveling, saying 'thank you' and 'It would have been nice to know about that a mile ago' even though she's pre-programmed and can't respond. One of the things we have to do during a road test, is to give a hazard commentary. We have to call out hazards we see...or potential hazards. Things like speed limits and bridge heights.

I did run into some mild wintry weather on the way back from Michigan. Snow mixing with sunshine outside and through Cleveland. It was pretty and a  bit mesmerizing to see the high rise buildings through the bright snow. I wish I could have taken a picture of it. But since I was the one driving, I did my best to drink it in. Of course, here at home I can just stick my head out my door and take a picture of the falling snow. Each area has it's own beauty. I enjoy the country as much as the city. Of course, if you know me at all, you know I prefer the beach over both...especially over snow.

On 86, there was more steady snowfall with a bit sticking to the road. Not a lot, but enough I cut my speed. And felt like I was in danger of being hypnotized by the snow. Which was sometimes illuminated by the full moon. Which was even cooler than snow and sunshine. The night almost seemed to glow around me as I drove. I was talking with Mr. Janney on this leg of the trip and it was nice to have that company. I'm so glad we had a large enough tax refund to buy him a cellphone for his job. I know I could have spent that money on needed bills, but he is reaching the part of his training where the cellphone was going to be a necessity.

I'm going to wrap this up now. I have to get on top of the things I need to do today before the day is over and this blog post is my only achievement. It would be so easy to just binge watch Blue Blood reruns, or pop in the latest DVR recording of I Am the Night and just waste the day away, but I'm going to save that delight for later. And I really do have a few chores I need to knock out of the way before I get back to writing Book 3!

You know me, I'll keep everyone updated on the status of the test.

Have a great day everyone! Stay safe!

What's in Front of You by Robin Janney

I don't know why I try to take pictures while riding in a vehicle. I mean, it's not even a 50/50 chance of getting a good shot. But I insist on trying anyway.

This photo was taken last Wednesday as we were returning home after all our appointments. I like water pics, and the river was so icy and cold looking, I tried even though I could see the cellphone was having trouble focusing. I thought I had it and pressed the screen, only to have the focus shift at the last second. I almost deleted the picture in frustration, but decided not to. Because I think it's a cool picture anyway. The background is all out of focus, but what is in focus are the water droplets right in front of me.

When my anxiety is high, I can't focus on anything. I can't get my ducks in a row because they're bouncing around like balls in a pinball game. All of them, all at once. It's frustrating, and only makes the anxiety worse.

Since I am unwilling to add one more medication to my long list of meds that I already take, I find myself resorting to other methods to try and corral those bouncing balls. The one thing I've found that is free (wine costs money, you know) is something called Mindful Meditation.

I'm not even sure if I'm doing it 'right', but it's enough to help. All I do, is force myself to focus on what is in front of me. There were times in the past, at previous jobs, where my insides where bouncing around so bad that I had my mind walk myself through the steps of my task at hand. It was enough to get me through the shift and usually the anxiety had passed. Until the next day, but that was probably because I was tired of working in the cold and a lot of the anxiety I was experiencing stemmed from that fact.

I have tried the traditional methods of meditating and praying. I've even tried yoga. Anything that puts me down on the floor, puts me on the same level as my dog and Jaclyn never fails to let me know it. I love her, but the best way she helps me with  my anxiety is to snuggle in my lap...her being in my face is just not as cute. Aside from snuggling with the 8-year-old pup, focusing on the moment and the next thing to do is what I have found to work best for myself. Do you struggle with anxiety? If so, how do you deal with it?

Speaking on 'the next thing to do', since I now have water back (idk if it was frozen or what) the next thing to do is switch the dishes around and do a load. Or take a shower. I'll flip a coin. I've tried taking a shower while the dishwasher runs...it turns out to be very chilly!!

Until next time, leave a comment if you'd like.

(I'm going to send this post over at A Novel Idea too.)

The Road Goes Ever On and On by Robin Janney

The road goes ever on and on...

And sometimes there's road construction, detours, and unexplained delays!

Well, the good news first! Mr. Janney has successfully passed his CDL road test. The bad news to that is: I didn't and I have to start the process over! He gets to "Pass Go and collect $200" and I don't! Such is life, I guess.

I am disappointed in myself for failing, because I know this is something I can do. All my instructors at school agree with me. Some of it has been nerves, and some of this last failure is because I was just out of practice driving the big rig. I wasn't able to afford a refresher drive before this last test. Even though I drove part of the way down to the test sight, it just wasn't enough. But part of the reason why we fail is so we can learn from our mistakes.

But I am tickled pink that Mr. Janney has passed! I'm proud of him. This was his idea in the first place, something we'd talked about on and off for a while. We tried a year ago to apply to a truck driving school, but it didn't work out. By then the die was cast because he'd already quit his job. So we fell to Plan B. We'd continue as is until my surgeries were out of the way and try again. One thing led to another which in turn led us to the school we attended together and a job together.

Obviously, we won't be starting at the same time. But we were both talking with the recruiter last night and it won't be a problem. Mr. Janney will be through his training and running solo until I can join him, simple as that. It's not what we had planned, not even for Plan B...but sometimes in life you have to go through the entire alphabet to find what works! You just have to keep trying and not give up.

Easier said than done sometimes, I know. You know I know.

I'm a little anxious, but then I'd have been that way even if I'd passed and we were starting at the same time! I'll just use the late start to my part of the adventure to wind up my editing and reworking of my first two novels and continue to work book three. I know it's been forever for my fans, but it was the decision to make these changes which unlocked my writer's block and enabled me to work on book three again.

Though I can't see what's beyond the curve,
 I know the best thing is to keep on going.

As anxious as I am, I'm also excited. Because even though it's just one of us who's passed, we're still in this together. We're one step closer than we were before. I will take you all on this life's trip as much as possible. It's what I do, and why I have no problem posting about my failure and down times online. You get the good, the bad and everything in-between when I write here. Any silences are when I'm trying to process the bad and the down times...the only thing I can do. I hope you'll all stay with me on this journey.

Until next time, much love.

Grinding Less Gears - by Robin Janney

Happy Thursday everyone!

One of my hangups what I first drove the big rig on the road was an overdose of anxiety/worry. We've all seen pictures of accidents with tractors and trailers. I know up close what can result because three of my brothers have had accidents with their rigs. So I've been a little paranoid about it. But then I happened across this tweet from Donnie Wahlberg (AKA Danny Reagan on Blue Bloods)

worrying?

there is nothing to worry about.

worries are fearful thoughts of the past or future. neither of which exist in the present moment.

take a beat. take a breath.

then, take a moment to consider all you have to be grateful for in this moment.

you got this. all is well.

— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) December 5, 2018

I'm not going to quibble on the differences between anxiety and worry. Because this tweet helped me realize that as long as I'm focusing on the moment while I'm driving the tractor and trailer, then I'm being the safest and that goes a long way!! I can't control other drivers, just myself and as long as I'm controlling my rig, then I have a better chance of being able to react safely to just about anything.

Like I told Mr. Janney the other day - "I've got my Wonder Woman panties on, so I've got this!" I have the heart and spirit of an Amazon Warrior, just not the body! Aside from Avenger's Endgame, the next Wonder Woman movie is probably my most anticipated upcoming movie that just cannot get here fast enough!

Our skills/road test is next Tuesday, and nerves aside I think Mr. Janney and I will do just fine. We have three more 'practices' before then, two on the road and one more for the range to practice our maneuvers.

Until next time - much love and be safe!

When Words Fail by Robin Janney

One of the hardest things for me to deal with when I'm depressed is when people ask me what's wrong.

Granted, the person in question is my husband, but he's not the first one to ever ask me this question when I've admitted to being depressed before.

Many people don't understand. Sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong in a person's life when they're dealing with depression.

Other times...it's everything. Everything is wrong. And you know it's not really everything, it's just your perspective about everything...but that doesn't change your perspective, it just makes the depression worse because you feel it's your own damn fault. Which isn't true, and you know it's not true, but you can't convince yourself to FEEL that it's not true.

Because sometimes life is hard, other people fail you, things don't go as planned and everything you had all figured out suddenly needs to be rearranged and you have to start all over again. I guess better now than twenty years from now.

On the bright side, I have finished my re-write of my second novel. And my re-edit. I'm not ready to re-release the first two novels yet. I'm still frustrated with CreateSpace but I'll get it figured out. So...I'm going to let those two novels sit while I see how much of the third I can get hammered out before I need to shift gears in my life.

I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

Hope you all have a good week.

Much love.

p.s. I'm also very itchy. idk if it's the depression or if I'm having an allergic reaction to life

Quietly Thinking by Robin Janney

So, I've been on the quiet side recently. Just posting pictures and I'm sure you know what that means if you've been around following me long enough.

Depression has been visiting again.

I was kind of expecting it, especially when it came time for me to try going back to work. I kid you not, I was in tears as I drove myself to work that first afternoon. Four hours into shift the tears were now because of the pain I was in from being back on that concrete floor and that didn't exactly help the depression either. I thought - I'm right back where I started out at, if not worse. I won't go into the details, but I no longer work for the factory.

Instead, I am waiting for my 401K to be available so that I can pursue a new line of work. Mr. Janney had originally planned on being at my side for it, however, his driving record isn't good enough at the moment so I will have to go to truck driving school on my own. I am not exactly pleased about this, but then...life doesn't always go as planned, does it? A line from Ring of Fire: Does the future never scare you? Yes, all too often.

So yeah, I'm dealing with circumstantial depression hoping it doesn't turn into chemical depression. (Keeps fingers crossed) And honestly, I don't even want to talk about the anxiety at the thought of driving a big rig even brings to me. But that is probably another subject for another day. I've already had my first nightmare about it...driving into the median to avoid hitting vehicles in front of me.

I've still been working on my stories. The Farmer's Daughter is out to a few different people for a read through. I've made the original set of changes to Ring of Fire and have sort of finished my own first read through of the draft...it was a struggle when I reached a certain point, because I'm still struggling with the center where I'm STILL doing too much telling and not enough showing (Curse you Dragon Queen aka Veronica!). I think she scares me almost as much as she does Craig, the male protagonist. So right now, I'm going through Ring again fixing typos and looking for that center fudge to fix.

And yes...I've also been working on Book Three aka Bigger than the Beetles. Right now as I'm typing this post, I have four words documents open (Farmer's, Ring, Beetles, and one for flashback freewriting) And four internet tabs open (blogger, Youtube playing music - Mumford and Sons at present) Facebook, and one random tab for googling stuff - like hair colors, and drug interactions. Which - if you ever want some eye candy, google black men with hazel eyes...oh my...)